Capsule Review: The Infernal iPad

Capsule Review: The Second Coming, aka the iPad



That's right, fearless readers, yours truly has succumbed to the will of the almighty Jobs and emptied his wallet to get his grubby meat hooks into the now legendary iPad. Why, you may ask. Good question, because yours truly doesn't quite understand himself. For this is a device concieved by the totalitarian state to pacify wimpy Appleism followers too scared to invest far less cash into something with the semblance of a functional computer. In today's Capsule Review, I will be reviewing this damned device and weighing the pros and cons of owning the latest shiny trinket pumped out by Apple's Chinese swea... er factories.

I suppose I should try to retain some semblance of objectivity in this review, so I will break things down into the following categories - aesthetics and metaphysics, functions and use, programs and the support of quasi-hacking communities, and rounding everything off with a personal and immutable judgement of this infernal device.

First impressions upon opening the box are... Sheer underwhelm-tion. Inside you'll find a charger, a far too short USB adaptor, and a rather heavy glass-topped coaster cum paperweight with a half-eaten Apple stenciled on it. Oh, and you get a tiny card with several cryptic lines of text on it, namely that you won't be able to turn on this device until you connect it to a computer with the latest version of iTunes installed. 

Of course you won't know this, having hastily torn open the box and yanked out the shiny trinket like a kid searching for the prize in a cereal box. You'll prod the unlabled buttons randomly until a silver Apple pops onto the darkened screen. "Great!" you'll think "It's starting up!". And you will be very wrong, because the next thing you will see is a diagram of a USB cable contemplating the rape of the iTunes logo, with no text to inform you that the device seeks to feed off your soul and your iTunes account before you are even allowed to touch it. You can prod, poke, shake, scratch, drop, or urinate on it as much as you like, and it will only mock your lack of manlhood by wontonly displaying that erect USB cable. After some cursing you plug it into your computer, because an iPad is not a computer unto itself and it needs to feast upon the data of a mothership to function. Here in lies the rub, and foreshadows things to come - for if you bought this infernal device as a portable computer, you will be sorely dissapointed in short order.

On the plus side, it's relatively light (for a book made of steel and glass), the screen is sharp and it feels nice as you gently caress it in your greasy hands. And greasy they are, despite all your hand-washing, because even the slightest tap leaves a streak of filth on the immaculate glass screen. Get used cleaning it frequently, because every time you touch it you will sully its purity, something a little irritating considering your only feedback into this device it by touching it.

The touch sensitivity is very nice and accurate, allowing you to type out your vitriolic hate for gophers and Alan Thicke quite intuitively on the phantom keyboard that pops up to block half your usable screen area. Once you get used to the tactile shortcuts you'll be flipping through applications with ease, making you loathe yourself even more for having degraded your myriad skills into a series of taps and swipes. The screen tilt fuction is handy too, if you want to watch widescreen video one moment, and then strain your eyes reading absurdly tiny text the next.

So how does the program function stack up to the gimmicky touchy-feely interface? Quite poorly indeed. Out of the box this is a thoroughly useless device. It is, quite literally, a giant iPod (or a giant iPhone, minus the phone and camera and utility). Web browsing is slow, and limited to "mobile" versions of websites, despite the fact that this is a goddamn WiFi enabled device that has a 1ghz processor. Oh, and the WiFi reception is quite awful for a device that is supposed to rely on the service. Your 5 year old laptop will resoundly kick the iPad's shiny metal ass when it comes to picking up the neighbour's unprotected WiFi network through the apartment walls. Did I mention there is no flash support? None. Zero. Fuck-all. So if you want to listen to streaming audio or watch video on ANY site other than YouTube, you can just fuck youself now, cause it ain't happening as long as Steve Jobs clings to the idea of Flash being a flash in the pan (HA) fad. Oh, and you can't download anything either, or access any folder directories, because that might allow you to download things that are - GASP - pirated or of loose morals. And the shiny happy people at Apple don't want you using your device for evil, no sir. Get your mind out of the gutter and let us neuter your web experience, you dastardly younguns.

The rest is passable. There is a notepad application for writing flame diatribes, a simplified but functional mail program, a GPS map that only works when you are connected to an internet signal, video and iTunes, and a photo browser. Everything else you will have to buy off the App Store, which is your (very expensive) ticket to making the iPad halfway acceptable as a computer substitute. I suggest downloading Perfect Browser right off the bat to eliminate the need for Safari's slow-assed, tab-free, mobile-limited internet poppycock. Perfect Browser is way faster, has real tabs, and can emulate a real browser so you don't shafted with mobile versions of websites. And such is the case with most things - you need to find an app that A. does it better or B. does it at all. If you are lucky, they are free or cheap. If you are a sucker, you'll end up spending the value of your device over again, safe in the knowledge that one power surge, short drop, or spilled coffee can instantly wipe out your investment. If you are the warranty-voiding type, you could always jailbreak your iPad and start perusing the hackerz sites for non-approved bug-addled apps that require a degree in C++ to operate.

The truest judgement of any computer is how functional it is... When looking for porn. In this regard the iPad sorely lacking, having clearly been designed to be used by luddites who recoil in horror when told the word "streaming". Your porn searches will be severly limited by the lack of full web support, no flash, virtually no video support, and no file directories to hide your saved stash in. No, your privacy is not assured with this device; beyond one password lock screen you have full access to everything aboard the device, so don't even think about hiding dirty pictures in your iPhoto program. On the plus side, the "home" button serves as a handy boss/wife button by instantly closing whatever is running and returning to the main screen.

So how do I feel about this trinket that sits before me, mocking my poor judgement and susceptibility to hype? Well, after downloading around 20 applications, I think I have just begun to make it a functional imitation of a real computer. The initial disappointment has subsided, replaced with only hollow regret. While it's no substitute for a true computer (a netbook would be a better bet for that) it has it's charm as a gadget that can be used for a variety of things - once you get your apps together. Make no mistake - the iPad is thoroughly useless out of the box. Start downloading to really make the most of it. 
 
Two and half Patsies.
(Please note the Patsie scale is temporarily down due to moving, as my photoshopped heads of obscure British pop culture references are on my other computer)
Sent from Iosef Andreyevich's iPad.

The Batshittery Resumes in Three... Two...

In a world where there are no updates, blogs will stagnate and become useless usurpers of bandwidth.

One man will stand alone... And do precisely nothing about it.

That's right, dear readers, I have returned to the interwebs after far too long a hiatus. My captivity at the hands of evil New Brunswickans is finally over, after a lengthy battle with lobster-men of the Grand Pre and several months of hiding from the Eastern-Block Potatoe Mafia. I have returned to my beloved city of Montreal, the land of DuMaurier and Molson - a return long in the making, which also happens to mark my return to the realm of batshit insanity in the blogosphere.

It should come as no surprise that I neglected to post anything for so long... As in most aspects of my life, I tend to take up fun diversions until I become distracted by newer, shinier things. But NO MORE! I return to you, my beloved followers, to continue the spread of madness and redundant opinion across the 'web. For what would the world be like if it were devoid of the rantings of unbalanced individuals such as myself? Far better, I assure you.

As per usual my identity remains secret. And it shall remain so. My profession and my clients will remain nameless, my skills shall remain without definition. All I shall say is that over the past year, my absence from this, my beloved outlet of vitriol, has been to develop my skills in a new profession where I may advance a meaningful career and make far more money than I dreamed of while I was scraping Kraft Dinner out of garbage pails in my student days. All I shall say is that my job may or may not have something to do with Gary Busey* and three leopard seals.

So welcome back to the delightful, uncanny and surreal romp through my tortured mind. Mr. Andreyevich is back, and he intends to overshadow his previous piddling efforts with even higher levels of caustic opinion, useful reviews, general madness and (somewhat less-than) insightful commentary on the state of all things.

Yours in the absence of sense,
I.A.

*(Gary Busey does not condone, nor does he reject, the contents of this post.)