Wednesday, March 11, 2009

...And now for something completely different.

Built for a friend, BEHOLD! My latest scale creation. This little piece of insanity is a Warhammer model that I modified with my own peculiar brand of nonsense. It features many bits and pieces from my spares bin to give it that extra "wtf" factor. I shall have to do more of these projects in the future; I get sick of hearing how there are too few hex bolts on the drive sprocket of (X) every goddamn time I build a historical model that doesn't meet the strict rivet-counting nit-picking criteria of the legions of internet model makers.

I.A.












Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Capsule Review: Watchmen - The Movie


Well, it’s been a long time coming, fellow nerds and nerdettes. This week we finally get our long-awaited and almost-delayed/canned movie adaptation of one of the classic graphic novels. Alan Moore’s epic “Watchmen”. Okay, I’m really being facetious. Watchmen, as a comic, is pretty ordinary by modern standards. It was innovative in the 80s, and the story is interesting, but it’s still very comic-book-y and simplified for a mass audience. If you want the “Citizen Kane of Graphic Novels” you should be reading Maus or some other materwork that happens to be a visual novel, not a drawn-out “superhero” comic that has pretences of greatness because it gave some dark flair (read: emotional flaws) to the main characters. But I digress, before Alan Moore and his fanboy minions start gathering outside my door with pitchforks in hand.

I enjoyed the “novel”, so I was looking forward to the movie. I felt the visual style of the book could lend itself well to the big screen, and the film doesn’t disappoint. Aside from the usual “dammit I can see all the CGI effects” that plagues modern filmmaking, the movie is a visual tour-de-force. Which is damn well should be; it’s a movie based on a comic for chrissake. The pains that were taken to match the visuals of the comic are impressive; even the actors are near-perfect visual recreations of the originals. Most of the scenes are frame-for-frame recreations of the panels, complete with original dialogue. The novel was the script, for good or ill. The movie retains the punchy (read: terse and clichéd) dialogue of the novel, which makes the film seem overly simplified. Especially if you have never read the novel; to fans, it’s probably just what they wanted.

So the dialogue isn’t perfect… And neither is some of the acting. Silk Spectre I and II both come off as wooden characters, with zero chemistry in the “emotional” family scenes. Sally/Silk Spectre I is particularly cringe-inducing, taking what was already a dull portion of the novel (the mother-daughter banter) and making it painfully dreadful with a Keanu Reeves phone-in performance. John/Dr. Manhattan is appropriately distant (he is an omnipotent demi-god who lost touch with humanity, after all) but still irritating as a character – you won’t have much sympathy with the portrayal of Dr. Manhattan, even though the novel makes a good effort at showing his underlying humanity and how his human life (emotion) was destroyed by the accident that made him a super man.  On the plus side, Walter/Rorschach is appropriately psychotic, Dan/Nite Owl II is a good insecure middle-aged single guy, Edward/Comedian has a detached and grizzled exterior hiding a collapsing psyche, and Adrian/Ozymandias is a pitch perfect representation of narcissistic hubris (in effect outdoing the novel, where he was more of a benign pretty-boy character until the denouement and ending, where his self-absorbed quasi-evil shows through). Bit roles are well played as well, with some big (Canadian) names showing up as Moloch and Hollis/Nite Owl I; overall the bit players really help to hold up the movie as a whole, which says a lot about the drabness of the main actors. A perfect representation of Lee Iacocca gets his brains blown out too – if that is not a perfect reason to see a movie, I don’t know what is.

Beyond the dry bits, there is plenty of top-tier action and over-the-top violence to keep the Frank Miller crowd happy. In fact, the violence is quite astounding, even compared to the original novel. Nothing is left to the imagination; Dr. Manhattan blows enemies up in a shower of gore and bone,  baddies get their limb broken in compound-fracture fashion, and the “angle grinder” scene will give anyone who isn’t a horror junkie the willies.  It wasn’t necessary by any means; you would think that in the post-Hitchcock world we would be accustomed to having things left to the imagination (especially in a film that isn’t a slasher flick by any means). Then again, Zack Snyder did direct 300, which had all the subtlety and grace of an axe through your temple. Speaking of subtlety, why in the name of holy fuck did Snyder insist on making us sit through minutes of watching Dr. Manhattan’s little John waving to and fro? I don’t think we will ever know the answer. Be warned, homophobes, there is plenty of blue-CGI dick waving action in several key scenes.

Music is probably the weakest part of the film. Here we go with subtlety again; the choice of music ranges from odd to self-deprecatingly awful, and the soundtrack is WAY too loud in some scenes. Period pop music abounds, and it is sometimes hilarious. Watching the Comedian crack rioter’s skulls to disco tunes (it’s the 70s! Geddit?) is either sheer comedy or stupidity beyond reproach. Take it as you will. I thought it was funny, most people think it was just awful. 

Spoiler alert!

The ending has caused a lot of consternation among the fanboy crowd. Snyder axed the original “giant alien squid that isn’t really alien” blowing up New York ending in favour of Veidt/Ozymandias framing Dr. Manhattan for a series of explosions in major cities around the world. Some have suggested this new ending makes more sense; it does, if you compare it to the original ending. Show a giant squid materializing in downtown New York to someone who never read the novel, and you’ll have some major explaining to do. The novel has plenty of time to hint at what is brewing so it makes sense when it occurs; the movie does nothing to hint at what is coming, aside from Veidt and Dr. Manhattan collaborating on a power reactor design. The problem with this ending is it makes no sense from a character standpoint – why would Dr. Manhattan suddenly turn on the world? Because he was a little cranky over a bad interview? Because he wanted to teach everyone a valuable lesson about playing nice lest they face the apocalypse? Because he was just a big prick (no pun intended)? That’s my explanation, based on how little sympathy the character garners in the film. It seems out of place, but it’s probably as best as we can expect. Giant squid thing probably would have been worse, unless they added another 20 minutes of scenes to explain the development of the squid by Veidt. Oh well, we nerds can win ‘em all.

Overall the movie isn’t perfect, but it’s worth watching. The visuals and action are great, the alternate 1980s are well presented, and it’s true to the novel. On the downside, a lot of the acting blows, the music is dumb as shit bricks, subtlety is not in Zack Snyder vocabulary, and the ending is odd. I enjoyed myself, but I wasn’t expecting much. Keep your expectations low and you might enjoy it too.

PS – if you go for only one reason, aside from watching Lee Iaccoca get shot, go for the opening credits. They are sheer brilliance, and probably the best part of the whole film. Sad to say, but it’s true. I will be seeing it again next weekend, mainly for those credits. And Iaccoca’s death. Honestly, why didn’t they get the real Iacocca on board? He would have been great at getting shot in the face.

I give it three Patsies; I would have given it four if the real Iaccoca had gotten shot in the face.

 

 

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Greetings from the Eastern Front


So after a longish hiatus, I’m returning to my blogoranting. Settle down kids, I know you missed me. Now shut up and let me pour my dead heart out.

I’m now located in (M) New Brunswick, my hometown. Coming back, I remember I left here for a reason. Nothing much to do, nothing much to see, and 1000 kms away from any real action. My roots may be here, but my heart is somewhere in a strip club in Montreal (right next to my wallet).  I’m trying to remain positive about my shift in direction, but you have to remember it wasn’t voluntary. I was stuck in Montreal with no money and no opportunities, one bill away from joining the screaming hobo who lived across from my apartment. I have a fancy-pants arts degree that is worth about three wooden nickels in the current job market. My job experience is all over the map, so I technically qualify for everything, but don’t have enough experience for anyone. 

And so I transfer my hunt into another province, somewhere where candidates don’t fight each other with broken pool cues just to get a second interview. No, here my credentials mean something, and my skills might be worth a damn. So in that respect, I’m probably better off here. Plus, not being a pur laine Quebecois in Quebec is a quick way to get booted off the market. Here, I’m a local, and I know the ropes.

As you can see, I’m trying to justify this as best I can. It’s hard, I’ll admit. I left behind a life of fun and non-stop entertainment (not to mention gorgeous women) to return to a quiet province where fatalities due to moose encounters outnumber gang hits by a fair margin. But I do look forward to the scenery, the rolling backroads, the lack of police patrols… Living in the Maritimes usually means you have to make your own entertainment that doesn’t involve paying a scantily clad college girl to grind your crotch.

I thought all would go smoothly in the transition, but a lot is getting affected negatively. My relationship is strained, my friends here are already sick of seeing me, and my friends from Montreal are pissed that I left them behind. Meanwhile I’m continuing the job search, which is a bit tougher because opportunities that don’t involve manning a cashier or hammering nails into something are a bit thin on the ground here.

So here I am, bored,  still unemployed, and sorry to leave my Montreal life behind.  I hope I have done my part in brightening up your day.

I.A.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Goodbye Montreal, Hello Maritimes


Ah dear readers, the economic crisis has hit yours truly as much as any other middle class BA grad. After six long goddamned months of unemployment in lovely Montreal, I cannot find a suitable (ie, paying) outlet for my talents and vast bile-spewing intellect. No, the market here is tanking fast, jobs are getting scarcer, and the competition for positions is fierce. So I'm off to my homeland of New Brunswick, the land of cheap real estate, lobster, Acadian flags, and so-called defeatist attitudes. My lack of posts in the last week are due to my running around getting things organized for my move, and squaring up my debts before my friends start thinking about breaking my legs. 

The next time you hear from me, I will be in an undisclosed location somewhere in the wilds of New Brunswick, preparing for the zombie holocaust. Erm, I mean I will be living somewhere in NB trying to eke out a living doing whatever it is that I do. I'm feeling positive about a change, because I've been shat on for a while here in Montreal, so it's time for a new start somewhere else, where my credentials actually have value and I don't have to mud-wrestle every BA this side of Toronto to get a job serving donuts. I'll miss you, Montreal, but you aren't doing anything to help me stay.

I.A.  

Shows you should be watching: Junk Science.com



Ok, so it isn't a show, but I'm sticking it under this header anyway. Piss off if you don't like my semantic antics. 

If you are anything like me (and God help you if you are), you like to get your fill of alternate viewpoints. And I don't mean "the government is spying on me through hidden cameras in my TV decoder" alternate, I mean legitimate dissenting views from within the intellectual community. After all, a debate isn't a debate if you only hear one side and that side reams information and claims down your gullet with reckless abandon. Anyone who has half a brain, or a university education, should have the skills to look at a problem from an objective, analytical stance - taking in the information and making a decision as to what you would like to believe.

Unfortunately, that has gone straight out the window ever since we got our collective panties in a knot over the horrors of carbon dioxide and global warming. Ever since Al Gore hoisted himself onto a pulpit and shat out a popular, but completely unscientific, movie that scared the bejebus out of anyone who didn't take the time to think things through or do some fact checking, well things have gone downhill. If you question global warming, or carbon fears, or any greenwash idea, you get labeled as some sort of heretic or backwards nut who needs to be burned at the stake (the only reason you are not already cremated is because the burning wood would create too many airborne pollutants).

Which brings me to the last bastion of anti-greenery that still retains a degree of objectivity. Junk Science is a compilation of alternative views, critiques, and general anti-Goreist sentiments maintained by Steven Milloy. Milloy's frustration with the world is palpable - often the posts degenerate into wanton green-bashing and rants against Al Gore than verge on the libelous. But don't let the bile and fury distract you from the important bits - this is no conspiracy loony bullshit, Milloy is presenting genuine scientific work and facts that you won't hear from the mainstream media - because they are too dumb to sort out what is plausible and what isn't. If you vehemently believe in global warming and green issues, then don't bother looking at the site. In fact, get the fuck off my blog, you hippie commie bastard. But if you want an eye-opening second opinion, and some interesting facts to mull over, I highly suggest you take a perusal of Junk Science and learn what the OTHER side of the debate is saying.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

In Case Regular Stilletos Weren't Flashy Enough



Female poseurs and wives of millionaires now have a new fashion accessory to kill their feet. BEHOLD! The Lamborghini Superleggera shoes. The inside of the shoe is cleverly designed to jut into the wearer's ankles and cause great discomfort, replicating the ergonomics of a Countach. The brittle carbon fibre heels will shatter at the first impact, replicating the sound and expense incurred whenever a Lamborghini drives over a speed hump.  And as the photo shows, they produce smoke just like a proper Italian electrical system. 

If you look at this photo and sincerely think you would like to wear these, pick up the nearest phonebook or dictionary and use it to smack yourself in the temple. If you remain conscious, repeat. 

If you are male, and you thought these would look good on your significant other, take a pipe wrench and slam it into your crotch as hard as you can. That way you'll be prepared for the pain when your girlfriend kicks you in the balls for buying these for her.

I.A. 

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Cornucopia of Awesomeness that is Brandon Bird's Artwork


Brandon Bird specializes in pop-culture artworks, using celebrities and pop-culture references to craft oddball, surrealist, and quasi-retro paintings and sketches that are just too awesome for your tiny brain to contain. If you look at more than 10 of these works in one sitting, your head will explode from the sheer amount of awesome.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Buy a Piece of Shit, Support the Arts


I got wind (no pun intended. Okay, maybe a little) of a development at the Université de Québec a Montréal, which I happen to live next door to. A new art installation has been setup; the infamous Cloaca machine, a traveling mechanical digestive system. The machine takes food (scraps from the UQAM cafeteria in this case) and processes them using various chemical and enzymes, perfectly replicating the human digestive system. That means it makes shit. And farts. All along a fancy looking lab-style assembly with a final "dispenser" that drops the fresh product onto a platter.

That's fucked up enough, and it's enough to make me shake my fist at the idiocy of the art community to support crap (haha) like this and make the rest of us artists look like morons, but wait! There's more! Visitors can buy "souvenirs" from the machine. Do I need to explain this? PEOPLE ARE BUYING SHIT. They are paying money for feces. Excrement. Crap. I can just imagine a happy nuclear family, father dressed in a cardigan, mother in a dour dress, chipper kids in Leave it to Beaver garb, happily strolling out of the exhibit with a turd cradled in their hands, to be taken home as a new addition to their knickknack cabinet. Not only that, they sold out. They sold all the shit they had on hand. Don't make me repeat that. That is FUCKED UP.

The kicker is that, whether you like it or not, your tax dollars paid for it. 30 000$ of government (public) funds were ponied up to transport the thing in Canada (it's a traveling exhibit, so rubes everywhere can have their chance to buy art-turds).

Pictures of the various Cloaca units here:

Shows You should be watching: Zero Punctuation


Hosted by period-challenged game reviewer "Yahtzee" Croshaw, Zero P is a brilliant and hilarious series of video game reviews that combine mile-a-minute voiceovers by Croshaw with scathing critiques and clever humour, set to excellent animation which is constantly breaking my whatthefuckometer. If you like games, or even if you don't, you must check out each episode. They are the best and most honest reviews you will find with a healthy injection of off-the-wall humour and unapologetic flame-baiting. Croshaw is not afraid to air his thoughts and piss of a world of fanboys, and I applaud him for it. He also popularized the technical term "Stonking Great Tits", which is reason enough to watch.

New reviews are uploaded weekly on Wednesdays. Check it out.

Historian's Corner: The Greatest Historical Badasses

Cracked's "Soldiers who make Rambo look like a pussy"

I quite enjoy reading through Cracked's various lists of strange-but-true stories. It's a great blend of fact, laughs and thought that are surprising for what you'd think is a juvenile humour mag. 

This list in particular caught my attention; the most badass real life soldiers who ever served. I was particularly impressed with the story of the Finnish "White Death", Simo Hayha, one of the highest scoring snipers in history. You have to remember that the Soviets invaded Finland while they were still on "good" terms with Germany. The history you remember, of the Red Army crushing the Nazi hordes, only started after the German invasion of the East in 1942. Before then Stalin and Hitler were dictator pals (well, Hitler planned to stab Stalin in the back all along, and Stalin wasn't exactly a forthright leader either), and the Germans grit their teeth and let Russian troops overrun Finland in 1939. Hayha fought the Russians almost single-handedly, a lone sniper without a spotter. The amazing part is that an exploding bullet blew off part of his jaw and the side of his face and he was dragged off as a war prize - only to wake up a week later. He made a full recovery and lived a long life afterwards. 

One of my family members was similarly lucky. A member of the British No. 2 Commando unit, he served in Norway and Italy; it was in Italy that he had the bad luck of being shot in the head by a German sniper. He guessed the sniper spotted the glint off his helmet badge. Yes, you read that correctly - he guessed. He survived a bullet in the brain with partial paralysis, which he eventually overcame. When I knew him, the only evidence of his injury was a minor limp. That, folks, is true grit and major luck put together. He died of cancer years ago, and I never knew much about his service. I wish he was still around so I could find out what his years in the war were like.

I.A.

Latest scale work: 1/32 Luftwaffe Pilot

"What's all this then?" I hear you cry. Or not. Maybe you are not so easily impressed. Particularly by someone's rather geeky hobbies. That's right, readership, I am a dedicated scale modeler. No, not the typical overweight middle aged guy who hides in his basement (er, "studio") all day, painting historical models (which is code for sexy misogynist Anime figures/ 3D porn). Being a trained historian (such as it is), I like to flesh out my history in three dimensions. And make cool Nazi tanks and planes. It's true, I stick to German subjects from the Second World War. Not because I have any affinity with those jerks, but because they made the coolest stuff. Period. No matter what you make on the Allied side, it's going to be painted olive drab. German stuff had neato sprayed camo with all the colours of the Nazi rainbow that are an airbrush-er's delight. Plus their tanks and planes were scientifically proven to be wicked cool, in a famous study of 8 year old males. By famous I mean unknown. By scientific I mean entirely made up. By 8 year old males I mean the shrill voices in my head.

Anyway, that's what I do. It's what I have always done, since I was about 10-11 years old. I never felt the need to justify it, but as my girlfriend (yes, I have one of those) pointed out, what would people think when they walk into my apartment and see a sea of balkenkreuz and swastikas on my various projects? Oddly I never thought about it, because we (modelers) tend to over represent German subjects as a rule, so I never felt I was an odd one out for my interest. 

Anyway, here is my latest creation. It's a late-war Luftwaffe pilot with his steed, a Messerschmitt BF109G. Essentially I built the plane as an elaborate base for the figure, which I bought before I got the kit for the plane. For those unfamiliar with scales, 1/32 is big-ass for a plane. The figure is around 5.5 cm tall.

I'll post new projects as I complete them.

I.A.


Thursday, February 5, 2009

Capsule Review: M-Audio Revolution 7.1 PCI Soundcard


When it comes to Mac-compatible sound cards, M-Audio is pretty much the only game in town. Oh sure, Creative made a Mac SoundBlaster a few years back, but it was quickly forgotten and no longer has driver updates. So for current tech that is designed for Macs and has extensive support, M-Audio is the only option. And, as you will now hear, it’s a goodun.

I picked up a Revolution 7.1 to bump up the sound quality on my Power Mac G4. Oddly, when I got the Power Mac, I found it had poor sound quality compared to my iBook G4, which was a bit newer and had a better onboard soundcard. This just wouldn’t do, because I love top-quality audio, and my Harmon Kardon speakers beg for a decent sound output. I’m an amateur audiophile; I can’t make music to save my life, but I can tell the difference between a 192kps recording and one with 256 or 320kps by ear. 128-160kps sound like crap to my ears. So I’m more sensitive to sound quality than the average schmuck. And I believe that qualifies me to give a brief review of the Revolution 7.1 I stuck into my Mac. Don’t argue with me, I’m on a roll.

A bit long in the tooth now, the R 7.1 is a solid soundcard, and got very good reviews when it was released around 2004. I paid about 110$ for it, locally, but you can get them for as little as 25$ on Fleabay if you are so inclined. Either way, it is worth your money.

For your money you get full 7.1 support through individual 3.5mm jacks. Also provided is a digital output port if you happen to have that capability. For me, I don’t even have a 7.1 system. Or 5.1. Nope, I make do with a set of H/K 2.1 “Champagne” speakers. Speakers that were considered middle-of-the-road to above average by most reviewers. With the R 7.1, that changes.

With the latest drivers you get a comprehensive set of presets for various speaker systems, including my Champagnes. Setting the output for this preset, then fiddling with the surround sound and “trubass” settings revealed that my humble old speakers had amazing capabilities. Sound clarity is perfect, bass is crisp while still throwing out some serious wall rattling power, and the surround sound works brilliantly. It’s quite eerie to sit between two speakers and suddenly become enveloped in three-dimensional sound, as if you had a true surround system – except this is entirely through the software. Amazing. It gave my H/Ks a new lease on life. I was fist pumping with the pure joy that only an equally crazy audio nut will understand. The sound quality exceeded my expectations, and blew me away. I never thought I could extract such rich sound from such simple speakers.

But there is a caveat. Actually two. You see, the R 7.1, despite being a dedicated sound card, actually consumes more processing power than the onboard card. I clocked the difference at nearly 10% more (as in 10% more of the processing speed, not a 10% increase) for the R 7.1. So don’t expect this to speed up your old computer by taking sound processing off the motherboard. The other problem is audio artefacts – on a regular basis I get the odd pop, click or warble. Usually when I start a video or sound file; the worst, however, is when I pause a movie in Quicktime, then restart it only to have the sound completely garbled. To fix it requires restarting Quicktime. I recently updated to the latest drivers, but I’m still getting minor artefacts. It’s not enough to dissuade me completely, however. The sound quality is so damn good I am willing to overlook this rather apparent flaw. But the final score reflects this problem.

I give it three and half Patsies. The audio flaws are irritating and the price is high, but you don’t have much choice when it comes to Mac compatible stuff, and the sound quality is mind blowing once you get it dialled in for your speaker setup. Recommended.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Historian's Corner Capsule Review: The World at War Series

This review is the first of a series of “capsule reviews” of whatever I feel like commenting on. In this, the first instalment, I will be reviewing the Time Life World At War DVD series.

My review is summarized by a rating out of five Patsies, the worst being half a Patsy, the best being five Patsies:

 

The internationally recognized, SAE approved Patsy scale

My rating is entirely subjective and not based on any particular criteria; it’s just whatever the hell I feel like giving.

So enjoy, turkeys.

I.A.

---

The World At War, Time Life

If you watch any history channels, you may have come across an advertisement from Time Life for a DVD collection featuring rare footage from the Second World War. It touts how this footage is grisly, graphic and unique, and portrays the DVD set as a sort of compendium of stock footage. 

This is severely underselling The World At War series, a 1970s British documentary series that followed the events of the Second World War using new footage, eyewitness accounts, and a sombre historical narrative provided by Sir Laurence Olivier. I find it odd (actually, disturbing) that Time Life sells the set as a sort of voyeuristic compendium of graphic footage for history nuts, rather than as the solid and acclaimed documentary series it is. 

Clocking in at almost 30 hours, including the “bonus” materials (a few extra documentary episodes that recycle some of the testimony and expand upon in - particularly the interview with Hitler’s personal secretary, and a standalone two-part overview of the Final Solution), this series is a massive undertaking for the average viewer. Thankfully, it is very well presented. The events are distilled to their historical essence, in easy-to-digest 1 hour episodes. There is no high-falutin’ historical theory here – this is the straight, “popular” history of the Second World War, and that’s not a bad thing. It makes the series accessible to most anyone, and it provides a refreshingly simple refresher course in the war for us historians who have spent years poring over dry academic articles. Indeed, the talking-head portions are devoted to eyewitnesses, civilians, and combatants – not historians who never had a bomb fall on their house, or see their buddies get disembowelled by a machine gun. This is a strong point in my eyes; I’m quite tired of having a third party mediate history, and I quite enjoy being able to listen to the testimony of ordinary people who were involved, however flawed their views may be (more on that in a bit).

The selling point, unique footage, is certainly present. Much use is made of film from the war, completely overshadowing the odd talking head moments (thank God, because nothing kills the flow of a documentary like five minutes of staring at someone’s face). There is a plethora of colour footage here, and a lot of film you won’t see anywhere else. Sometimes it is graphic and stomach turning; colour footage of dismembered corpses lying on a battlefield, or the sight of a doctor sawing off a soldier’s leg in a field hospital, these are not sights for the faint of heart. Even seasoned film viewers like myself get a little queasy, because these are real people with real injuries, not actors with special effects.

The focus is clearly on the British and American side of the war, with the bulk of the series focussing on the European theatre. This is the main flaw of the series; the Pacific front is given a few episodes but it feels like it has been tacked on, and there are even some jarring racial stereotypes that belittle the Japanese as a people (remember this was made in the 1970s). Nothing is made of the contributions of Canadians, or the exiled armies of the conquered territories, or Australia, or… Well, you get the idea. Thankfully Germany is well represented, for good or ill, so it is not an entirely one-sided presentation.

The most disturbing moments sometimes come from the interviewees. One in particular stands out; Major Otto Ernst Remer (now infamous as the man who tried to carry out Operation Valkyrie arrests only to be stopped by Goebbels when he was put on the phone with a not-at-all-dead Hitler) is interviewed in several episodes. A curt and curmudgeonly old man, surrounded by relics of his service in the war, Remer vehemently denies the Holocaust on camera and generally upholds the stereotype of a German following orders without question and without remorse. It’s a sobering moment, and the series is full of them - like when a Berlin woman states, in emotionless fashion and without warning, that she was raped by a Russian soldier. Or when a victim of a cull recounts how she was shot and left for dead in a pile of bodies. These are the testimonies that make the series truly fascinating, in giving the all-important human element to the proceedings.

At around 40$ for the full set, including bonus features (which aren’t really that noteworthy, as they often recycle things from the main series), The World At War DVD set comes highly recommended. Flaws and all, it’s an excellent series that should be examined by everyone – whether you are a history buff or not. It’s an excellent summary of the war and does an admirable job of presenting the human elements.

I give it four Patsies, with reservations – namely the Europe-heavy focus and the recycled bonus features. Not to mention the tasteless way Time Life markets the series.



Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Shows you should be watching: The Age of Persuasion

Presented on CBC Radio and hosted by advertising expert Terry O'Reilly, The Age of Persuasion is a fantastic show that follows the evolution of media and advertising, as well as trends, successes and failures of marketing. Light, interesting and funny, it's about as good as the CBC gets. 

Listen to streaming episodes here:


KHAAAAAAAAN

Once again, Robot Chicken brings joy to my dead heart. Epic does not begin to describe this. Just watch it. Please.


Everything Wrong With... The Auto Industry



Today’s maniacal raving is on a subject I hold dear to my heart: the trials and tribulations of the auto industry. I love cars. I love trucks. I love things with engines that make a lot of noise and burn gasoline in wanton fashion. So I believe I have complete authority in making decisions on the entire industry’s behalf. After all, I’m probably better suited to the job than most of the company bosses, in light of recent economic clusterfucking.

So let’s get straight down to brass tacks:

- Payola and the plight of the auto rag: Or the decline of objective reviews in auto magazines. Actually they aren’t subjective either (that would be a marked improvement), just grey drivel that more often than not resembles ad copy and brochure babble taken straight from the manufacturer. It’s so obvious that we can now predict how a magazine will behave, to within a few degrees of leaning. Car And Driver will declare that anything this side of a Tata isn’t quite as good as a BMW 3 Series. Canadian Driver will be exceedingly polite to all but the worst automotive turkeys, much like we Canadians normally do in the presence of others. And so on. Can’t you folks be a little more original? Can you see beyond the ad revenue column? Can’t you, I don’t know, actually review the cars? And for God’s sake, stop with the irrelevant comparisons. If I wanted to know how a Hyundai stacked up to a Lexus, then I shouldn’t be reading an auto mag in the first place. I would be taking my medication more often.

-Hybrids, or how I learned to stop worrying and be a smug environmentalist wanker: Hybrid are a fad. They are inefficient. Expensive. Offer poor real world performance and economy. The only thing a hybrid is good for is stroking the ego of some greenheaded prick who wants to show the whole damn world how goddamn much he or she cares for the environment – without actually understanding any environmental issues or the fact that their Prius gets worse fuel economy than a basic Civic. Hybrids are symbols, a symbol that has been latched onto by the media and the green bastards of this world. Just as driving an Escalade is akin to killing a baby seal in public, a Prius suggests you are a worldly, caring hippie who just wants to love mother earth. And hasn’t heard of public transport. The only good hybrid is one that uses the electric motivation as a sort of electric supercharger – here, Lexus is ahead of the game, using the hybrid drive in conjunction with a decently sized gas motor to make a higher-performance vehicle that has the benefit of a few extra MPGs. But even those are just part of the whole ill-advised fad; the reason I like them is because they are actually fun to drive, and show a real improvement over a straight ICE. So if you really must have a hybrid, at least get one that is fun. Except for the Escalade or Suburban Hybrids. Those are just idiotic.

- Lemon-Aid: Oh Jesus H. God, I despise the Lemon-Aid guides. Nowhere else will you find a more idiotic collection of personal anecdotes, rumours, myths and biased reportage than in the pages of the best selling Lemon Aid guides. With fantastically helpful insights like “Audis attract rodents” when describing how an A4 owner had to replace a wiring harness due to mouse activity (yup, that was important enough to warrant a half page), I cannot comprehend how anyone finds the Lemon Aid a useable tool. Let’s not forget that it is the Lemon Aid guide that continues to propagate the myth of Audi “sudden acceleration” (which was dismissed as due to idiot drivers who couldn’t work the closely placed pedals), even on recent models that have absolutely no relation to the original claim of defect (which was the Audi 5000 of the late 80s). Its main source of information is owner feedback – that’s subjective anecdotes. Anyone who knows anything about research methods knows that anecdotes and subjective experiences are the worst possible way to gather information on a given subject. I’ll give you a summary of what the guide offers, to save you the trouble of reading the whole thing – BUY A TOYOTA OR A HONDA CIVIC. Everything else, according to the guide, will break down, burst into flames, kill kittens, and give your children cancer. Never mind that Toyota had a streak of engine sludging problems or that the Civic is hit-or-miss for reliability and build quality – no, facts like that are ignored in favour of catering to the common market myths, and shitting all over any company that isn’t Japanese (except for Nissan, they seem to get lumped in with parent company Renault for dodgy cars). Do yourself a favour – go browse (don’t buy) a Lemon Aid guide for some cars you have owned. Go ahead, check it out. I guarantee you will get a hearty laugh out of the experience. And remember folks, no vehicle lasts forever or will be completely free of problems. That’s what the Lemon Aid authors seem to be incapable of understanding.

-The idiocy of the market, also known as the Homer effect: I think Detroit has proven how idiotic the market is, and how catering to perceived demand is a quick way to certain death. I say this not for their failures, but for their successes in design (which ended up as failures) – namely, the Pontiac GTO and the G8. Here were great cars that have become monumental flops. Taking the best of the Aussie tradition of stuffing big V8s into sporty coupes and sedans, the GTO was a rebadged Holden Monaro (a highly acclaimed car everywhere else in the world, aka the Vauxhall Monaro/VXR) while the G8 is a rebadged Holden Commodore (ditto). Here was American carmaking at it’s finest, albeit perfected on the other side of the world. So what happens? The fickle market turns their noses up at these brutish tyre smokers and keeps buying tired old Buicks. There are many other examples – the popularity of hulking trucks and SUVs, despite their thirst and horrible dynamics with no more practicality than a decent station wagon (unless you are one of the few who actually use these vehicles to haul things or tow stuff, or have 5 kids). Or the greatest example of them all: the runaway success of the Prius, an automotive turkey and not even that efficient in real conditions, but a great seller simply on its symbolic value. Anyone who owns a Prius should be bitch slapped and handed the keys to a far more economical diesel sedan. Oh wait, that’s not possible in North America because they don’t sell those here, outside of a few overpriced BMWs and Benzes. 

-Automatics: Speaking of the idiocy of the market, what the hell happened to the manual transmission? CVT, DSG, or plain ol’ slushbox, the auto dominates the market in North America, where most people think a clutch is a group of birds. Ever try to get a manual car made in the last ten years? Good luck. Nowadays it’s an option that will cost you extra, not that any lazy North American could be bothered to row their own even if it was still cheaper to get a manny tranny. Us enthusiasts get left out in the cold while everyone tries to make a better mousetrap, er automatic. We end up with horrid things like the bane of spirited drivers, the slushomatic-fantastic CVT, or worse the auto that thinks it’s a manual, the semi-auto (with no charge herky-jerky function). I suppose it’s not surprising we’ve become auto-crazy - it’s hard to handle a cell phone and a hot coffee while shifting.

-Ethanol: The US of A’s saviour was supposed to be corn juice. Make some alcohol with our crops, mix in a little gas, throw it into your flexy-fuel vehicle, and voila! No more foreign oil dependency. Great idea. In theory. In reality even E10 has a significant impact on fuel economy – it kills it. E85 is considerably less efficient than good-old-Saudi petrol. Add to that accelerated wear on fuel systems and catalytic converters* (governments were never great at long term planning, were they?), not to mention crop shortages because you are using your food supply to make fuel, and you have a recipe for corn-flavoured disaster. I wouldn’t completely throw out the idea, however – why not try some methanol blends? You can make methanol out of anything this side of wood. Ethanol can also be made quite effectively from sugar cane, rather than corn. Just let us have regular gasoline alongside the blended stuff – some of us like to keep our cars for more than a few years, and don’t like the idea of losing 10%+ of our fuel economy simply because of a government’s hair brained scheme.

 

*But what about flex fuel cars, I hear you say. Those cars are indeed fine – but running E10 in a normal fuel system will cause problems in the long run as well as a drop in fuel economy. And nowadays E10 is the minimum, with normal gasoline pumps becoming scarce in the US. There are even pushes for minimum E15 or E20, which would be spell disaster for non-flex fuel vehicles.

 

 

 

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Zombies Invade Austin, Texas

Zombies in Austin

I'd comment, but I'm too busy cleaning my Mossberg and checking the barricades in my house.




Friday, January 30, 2009

You Can Shave the Baby


I'm at a total loss. My ears are bleeding from trying to think of something witty to write.

Surrealist Snowglobes


The works of Martin and Paloma Münoz have really grabbed my attention. Modifying snowglobes with what appear to be model railroad figures, they create scenes of oddity, the uncanny, and downright surrealism. Fantastic stuff. 

Check out more works and a description here:

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Jane Austen is Rolling Over in Her Grave - Literally


May I present to you what will go probably down in history as the finest piece of butchered English literature ever created. Behold! "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". No, it's not a photoshop, or some silly joke. It's Pride and Prejudice, rewritten to include a zombie plague and wanton undead slaughtering action. 

I wonder if it is as good as "Deadly Copperfield" or the seminal "The Old Man and the Undead of the Sea". We'll have to see if it gets Oprah's seal of approval.

Lesbian Feminist Sasquatch Community

http://torontocraftalert.blogspot.com/2009/01/exibition-allyson-mitchell-ladies.html

When I heard about this exhibit on the CBC, I had to look it up. A feminist artist, Allyson Mitchell, has made an installation of female sasquatch sculptures. What got me was the description of the exhibit by the CBC as of a lesbian feminist community, which makes it sound like a sort of Pacific forest amazon community of hairy man haters, female figures inserted into a male mythos. I don't mean to put down the exhibit, as my specialty in art historical studies was feminist theory and gender relations, but really - lesbian feminist sasquatches? Kudos to Mitchell for coming up with something that really grabs a headline and gets people talking.

I should note that the "lesbian" bit didn't come from the exhibit synopsis, it was added by the (male) commentator on the CBC. Maybe that says something about the perception of lesbian culture. Hairy she-sasquatches sounds like a reflection of lesbian stereotypes more than a celebration of lesbian culture or a challenge to said stereotypes. But then again, "feminist" art / theory has never been anywhere near unified in its approach, and I expect that this exhibit will raise the ire of some within the artistic community as well as the uninformed public. Perhaps that is the whole point. Art is nothing if it can't raise some eyebrows and get people talking.

I.A.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Obama Makes Bogart Proud



Sometimes it's nice to see that public figures are human. This casual shot of Obama has endeared me to him even more. Maybe I disagree with some of his policies (guns, and green, specifically) but as a fellow smoker, my hat is off to Mr. Obama. Okay, so the media has shit all over him for being a nicotine fiend, but I suppose that is to be expected in this smoking-is-evil day in age. Yes, it's superficial. But we smokers have to stick together, dammit. 

It just goes to show how something irrelevant can make a celebrity more appealing. Obama and I probably share absolutely nothing in common, but we both smoke - thus we are peas in a pod. Silly, yes. But anyone who knows human nature will understand that the appeal of minor foibles or similarities between the public and a figure is a powerful tool, however pointless it may appear.

Keep on smoking in the free world, Barack. Never mind the media and the ire of the anti-smoking nazis. I'm right behind you. Just don't run, I get winded easily.

I.A.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

RIP T-Shirt Hell, 2001-2009


Well, it's finally happened. The great bastion of politically incorrect, deliciously offensive t-shirtery is about to go under. As of right now, you have two weeks to get in on the legend of T-Shirt Hell before it's gone forever. I supposed this was inevitable, what with T-Shirt Hell's highly offensive content. And so much for freedom of speech, or the freedom to have a laugh at someone else's expense.

A quick scan of the owner's diatribe explaining the closure cites the idiocy of the market as the main reason. He says it is no longer fun to run the business, and he's sick of the two groups he often has to deal with  - morons who don't understand the irony of the works and send him bitter complaints and threats, and morons who just like shirts with the word "fuck" on them.

Rest in peace T-Shirt Hell. We hardly knew ye.

http://www.tshirthell.com/



Historian’s Corner: Six Things You Probably Didn’t Know About WWII

Believe it or don’t, dear readers, but yours truly’s fancy degree says he is trained as a historian. Not that I consider myself much of a historian, at best I remember the most uselessly trivial details of history. I don’t remember who led the Stalingrad offensive, but I do know that German soldiers sawed the feet off frozen Soviet bodies to get their boots. Such is the extent of my historical prowess – which I will now share with you in this first of a series of “Things You Probably Didn’t Know”, my compendium of trivia and interesting historical oddities that stand out in my mind, but are generally overlooked by everyone else.

Today, budding historians, we will be talking about dubya dubya two. With the renewed interest in WWII spurred on by the recent release of Valkyrie (a good historically accurate film, if not the most thrilling action movie), I figure this is as good a time as any to share my useless knowledge with you lot.

 

I.A.

 

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1. Hitler was a teetotaling vegetarian:

Some have heard of this tidbit of info about the personality of the most evil dictator in history. Indeed, it is true – no urban legends or wartime propaganda here. Hitler was completely opposed to drinking, smoking, and didn’t eat meat, one of the great ironies of history – the most evil individual the world has known had a strict code of purity in his habits. He went so far as to completely oppose drinking and smoking in his presence, and he had his meals specially prepared by a personal chef. Some argue that Hitler was not a true vegetarian, instead cutting meat from his diet due to digestive problems, but the fact remains he did not eat meat – whether you love animals or not, if you don’t eat meat you are by definition a vegetarian. I guess vegites are a little sensitive about comparisons to the architect of the holocaust.

Despite this, there is considerable evidence that Hitler was a drug addict – witnesses report that he received daily injections from a private physician, and historians have surmised he may have been getting some sort of morphine cocktail to keep him going despite failing health and fatigue. There was even a secret programme that funded production of a mysterious drug that was buried in the Nazi archives. Most of this is speculation, but it has a strong basis in fact. It would not be a stretch to imagine that Hitler was a hypocrite, after all.

 

2. The Soviets used anti-tank dog-bombs:

One of the oddest weapons to see use in WWII was the infamous Soviet dog bomb. Long before the advent of PETA Russian dogs were trained to dive under tanks, and once they had mastered this suicidal tendency a large bomb backpack was strapped to them with an antenna sticking straight up to serve as a contact detonator. The idea might have worked, except for one problem – the Soviets trained the dogs using their own tanks. They didn’t count on the dogs being clever enough to recognize a Soviet tank and dive under it, instead of the German tanks they were supposed to blow up. Whoops. Thus the program was discontinued after limited battlefield use.

3. Dora, the biggest gun of all time:

The biggest artillery piece of all time was built by the Germans around 1941. In fact, they built two of them – Schwerer Gustav and Dora. Using conventional artillery technology of a shell fired by a powder charge, just scaled to big-ass proportions, the two guns had 800mm calibres and fired a seven tonne shell to a maximum range of around 37 kilometres. The gun was so big, weighing in at 1350 tonnes, that it had to be mounted on four rail platforms on two parallel tracks. Total crew for setup and firing was 2000 men. Amazingly this ridiculous piece of German phallic power was employed on the battlefield – around 48 shells were fired in combat from Gustav, not including over 200 test shots during development. Despite the impressive size of power of the weapon, it was essentially useless – the range was less than a decent naval gun, it used enormous amounts of raw materials (not just for the guns but also for the gigantic shells), and by the time is was employed it was no longer needed – Dora was developed as a bunker buster during the 1930s, anticipating attacks on dug in fortress emplacements, but by 1941 and later the age of bunker defences was long over, particularly after the Germans bypassed and captured the forts on the French Maginot Line.

 

4. The top German air ace, Erich Hartmann, shot down 352 planes, while the top scoring Allied ace shot down 62:

You read that correctly – the top Luftwaffe ace shot down 352 planes, while the top Allied ace (Soviet ace Ivan Kozhedub) shot down 62. In fact there were quite a few Luftwaffe aces with well over 100 or 200 kills. Much has been made about the accuracy of such amazing claims, but the fact remains that the Luftwaffe had some of the strictest confirmation of kill procedures of any air force. Hartmann’s record was examined over and over and has been confirmed as accurate. That’s not to say that the Allies didn’t have good pilots – the deciding factor was numerical differences in the air forces. The Luftwaffe was a small force up against huge numbers of enemy planes, and high kill tallies were common against overwhelming enemy air superiority, especially on the Eastern front (as in Hartmann’s case). Allied tallies were comparatively low because there were many more allied pilots going after a limited number of Luftwaffe planes, particularly in the later years of the war when the Luftwaffe was often grounded due to losses and lack of fuel.  Hartmann was a such a respected pilot that enemy planes would often turn around and flee when they identified his black-tulip nose art; to counter this, Hartmann remove the distinctive artwork.

 

5. Field Marshall Erwin Rommel, the Desert Fox, was forced to commit suicide:

If you’ve seen Valkyrie, you know that after the failed assassination attempt against Hitler in 1944 there was a huge purge of suspected conspirators and their families – thousands were killed in the wake of the incident. Included among these victims was Erwin Rommel, one of Germany’s best field marshals. Rommel died in October 1944; the Nazis claimed he had succumbed to injuries sustained after a British aircraft strafed his car. In fact, this was a cover. Rommel was accused of involvement in the assassination plot and given an ultimatum – either take his own life and die a hero, or face court martial and execution as a traitor. Choosing to die rather than face the Nazi courts, he took a cyanide capsule on the spot, in the backseat of the car of his accusers. Some claim he was actually shot by Gestapo agents, but the essence of the event is the same – Rommel chose immediate death and protection for his family rather than trial and persecution by the Nazis.

 

6. The Hiroshima bomb was 1% efficient:

That’s right. The explosion that destroyed Hiroshima used only 1% of the potential energy of the uranium in Little Boy. Early atomic bomb technology was crude by modern standards and highly inefficient; regardless, it was still enough to create the largest man made explosion up to that point, equivalent to 13 000 – 18 000 tons of dynamite. Little Boy used the crudest form of atomic bomb technology – an internal “gun” that fired a plug of uranium into another block of uranium, causing a supercritical reaction that created the atomic explosion. It was still enough to kill over 100 000 people and level Hiroshima.

 

Monday, January 26, 2009

And now for something entirely serious - Ducati Superbike FAQ

Written for would-be Ducati owners, this handy (albeit long winded, I'll admit) guide covers just about everything you need to know about owning a Ducati superbike. It's not pretty, but it's the truth. I've had mine for three years and dealt with just about everything I detail below.

I.A.


The Italian wallet sucking whore in question.

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Ducati Desmoquattro Superbike FAQ – So you want to buy your dream bike…

What’s good about them?

Well, many things. Most people tend to agree that the 916 series is a groundbreaking model and will remain a classic motorbike for years to come. This ensures good resale value (bad for buyers, good for sellers, heaven forbid you should actually sell it) and means you’ll always know you bought a motorbike with genuine heritage and prestige. They are beautiful machines, inside and out, from the small details up to the entire bike. The Italians are particularly good at making the machine as a whole seem like an intricate piece of art, with individual parts being beautiful on their own as well as together. Beyond the good looks, these bikes are good to ride too. Handling is very manageable and confidence inspiring, not to mention very stable. These bikes are very responsive to suspension setup and mild performance tuning, turning a great bike into a fantastic one. And few will argue against the cachet and head turning potential of these machines.

What’s bad about them?

Many things again. They cannot be neglected or abused – they require frequent maintenance and careful servicing, otherwise they will suffer serious mechanical failures. They need to be used regularly or they will suffer a whole other set of problems. The electrical is inadequate on early models, without exception. They are dogs to ride at low speeds, they are uncomfortable, and they are utterly uncompromising machines. They were designed as race bikes first and street bikes second – remember that and it won’t seem so bad when you are stalling and overheating in traffic.

As I will explain, there are many areas that need attention, and many things that can go wrong. But if you are a patient tinkerer with decent mechanical ability, or someone with a fat wallet and a helpful dealership, then you can keep them running well forever.

What goes wrong?

Electrical – the pre-1999 charging systems are completely inadequate. The 916 uses a piddling 350 watt alternator that cannot keep its 16 AMP battery charged without regular hook ups to a trickle charger. The alternator uses a stator hub bolted to the end of the crankshaft on the left side – the nut holding the hub on has a tendency to loosen and can cause engine seizing, if not crankshaft and alternator damage, so it needs to be tightened regularly. The regulators on early models are prone to failing and should have been replaced with an upgraded, metal backed item – but even these can overheat next to the horizontal exhaust pipe, unless they are relocated into a cooler spot with better airflow. The wiring has a tendency to burn out quite easily if the system is overloaded. The system is not really weatherproof either – none of the connectors are greased at the factory and key components are exposed to corrosion. It’s a good idea to go over the entire system with dielectric grease as soon as you get a hold of it. It’s not uncommon for a bike to refuse to start after rain riding or washing, because water gets into the connectors and corrodes them.

Things that break – Some things on the superbikes are fragile, and commonly crack or break. Some you need to worry about, some you don’t, some are potentially catastrophic. 1. The coolant reservoir/expansion tank is located inside the frame ahead of the airbox and under the fuel tank; because of its complex shape and awkward position, it tends to crack and leak. It’s cheap to replace, around 20-30$, so keep an eye out for leaks and fix it ASAP.
2. The plastic airbox on early models (pre-1999-ish) is a bit thin and commonly cracks along the creases of the plastic. This isn’t really anything to get upset about, just seal the crack with black silicon. You can always put on a later airbox or if you have the money get a carbon fibre replacement.
3. The triple trees and clip-ons can crack – this is a serious problem and if it pops up it needs to be fixed immediately – you don’t want a fork to fall off or a clip on to snap while you are riding.
4. The rear wheel spindle was recalled for the potential to develop hairline fractures – dealers were supplied with an ultrasound machine to check for invisible cracks. Make sure this has been done.
5. The oil pressure switch (or “sender unit”, located ahead of the clutch cover) commonly fails. It will usually start setting off the oil light intermittently, and oil will seep up through the switch. Obviously if the oil light starts coming on, check the oil pressure right away – if it is within specs, then your pressure switch is to blame. Replacements are 5$ from UAP/NAPA.
6. The stock clutch slave cylinder on early bikes is very likely to blow its seal and dump the hydraulic fluid, leaving you without any clutch control. If you are masochistic, keep a few spare seals to replace them when it happens. If you are smart, buy an Evoluzione double-seal piston or an aftermarket slave cylinder to fix or replace the stocker.
7. The stock sidestand is a spindly aluminium item, and is very fragile compared to a cast steel item. So don’t put any undue stress on it – this means ABSOLUTELY NO levering the bike onto the sidestand to clean the chain or spin the bike around, and always set the bike onto the stand gently. You do not want one to break unexpectedly, especially while levering the weight of the bike on it.
8. Generally, Ducati has a fondness for aluminium bolts. These are nice and light, but they are also prone to stripping and breaking very easily. So always be gentle and follow the recommended torque specs whenever you are removing or installing anything.

Things that fall off – Here again, there are a number of items that need to be watched and loctited to makes sure they don’t fall off on the go.
1. The fuel tank bolts have been known to rattle loose and fall out – this doesn’t sound so bad, until you realize the bolts site directly above the front cylinder intake. Dropping an 8mm bolt into a running motor’s intake in a quick way to have a spectacular blow up. There are two bolts securing the front tank bracket to the bottom of the fuel cell, pull off the tank and secure these with loctite ASAP.
2. The sidestand, when the suicide spring is bypassed, has a tendency to back out its mounting bolt. This is because the snap-up spring is connected to the nut that secures the bolt in place – to bypass the spring you need to get a shortened bolt and ditch the securing nut. This means the bolt is only held in place with about _” of thread. You will notice it when it starts to back out, the bike will begin to lean over further than usual on the stand. Immediately tighten the bolt when this happens before the sidestand falls off. I recommend safety wiring the bolt in position, as it tends to get greasy and loctite isn’t very effective on a short thread that gets saturated with oil, dirt and grease.
3. The oil pressure switch won’t fall off (thankfully) but the wiring to it is pretty floppy and gets tangled in the wiring harness near the battery, so whenever the wiring is disturbed it has a tendency to disconnect the pressure switch. If you notice the light is off when the ignition is on but the motor is off, then the wire probably came loose and needs to be reconnected.
4. The front sprocket (“countershaft sprocket” in Ducati speak) is a unique fully-floating item. This means is loosely attached to the output shaft with a small brass plate secured with two 8mm bolts. It’s normal to have a significant amount of sideways free play in the front sprocket (its part of the reason there is really bad driveline lash at low rpms) but you have to check the tightness of the securing bolts on a regular basis, and loctite them regularly as well. Also replace the retaining plate every few thousand miles, it wears out quickly and replacing it will help smooth out the power delivery a bit.

Fueling – The fuel system is quite prone to clogging the filter and splitting the fuel lines inside the fuel tank. Replace the fuel filter regularly and keep an eye on the line for splits – when they happen, replace the all the internal lines immediately with good quality items, I recommend UAP/NAPA fuel injection line. Most models use plastic quick-disconnects to connect the tank to the fuel lines – these should be replaced with metal items (available from Triumph for 955i models, or from OMEGA lab supplies in Quebec) because you WILL break at least one in your period of ownership. Viton o-rings are used to seal the fuel tank and the quick disconnects, and woe to the person who doesn’t keep spares for either of them.

Rockers – On post-1996 models, the rocker arms of the valve system are prone to flaking their chrome. The rockers are coated in chrome where they contact with the camshaft lobes, and it’s here that the chrome will wear, pit, and eventually flake off, leading to camshaft damage and flakes clogging the oil system. The only solution is to buy aftermarket hard-chromed items from MBP or Megacycle to replace flaking rockers – buying OEM rockers will not fix the problem and they WILL simply flake again, no matter what the dealer tells you. To check for the rocker arm problem, pull out the handy oil strainer on the right side of the motor above the drain plug and look for chrome flakes. If there are flakes, you need to open the heads and take out the cams to check the rocker surfaces to know which ones need replacing. If you don’t find flakes, you can probably rest easy, but they should be verified at every valve adjustment regardless.

Galley plug – on any pre-2001 Ducati, there is a possibility of the crankshaft oil-galley (sometimes called “oil gallery”) plug to back out and start grinding on the inside of the crankcase (actually the bearing race of the crankshaft on the left hand side). Eventually the plug will fall out and you will lose lubrication to the big end bearings – meaning big engine failure. Check the oil strainer for slivers of aluminium from the plug rubbing the crankcase to see if it is happening. To fix it, you need to split the cases, pull out the aluminium plug and replace it with a post-2001 steel item secured with threadlocker red. It’s a 2$ plug that can cause big problems if it starts falling out, and along with the rockers is one of the main things to watch out for.

Belts – Camshafts are driven by an automotive style Kevlar-reinforced rubber timing belt, and these MUST be replaced every 2 years or 12 000 miles. If not, the belts will likely snap and head and piston damage will result. Any bike that has been sitting for long periods of time or has really low mileage is in danger too – the belts will snap if neglected over several years. Early belts were not Kevlar reinforced and are more prone to snapping – these are identifiable by their white lettering, as opposed to red on the Kevlar items. If you are paranoid (like me) replace them ever 6 000 miles. OEM items from the dealership run around 70-80$ apiece, but you can buy identical Bucci belts from third party suppliers for around 30$ each.

Crankcase breather – Ducatis have a fair bit of crankcase pressure, and respond well to large breather boxes to reduce pressure to atmospheric levels or better yet, a vacuum to help pull the pistons down. On race bikes, double breathers and large volume breather boxes were used for maximum power. On the street bikes, the breather is still pretty large by conventional standards. Unfortunately the stock breather isn’t the best design and is prone to getting overwhelmed with oil and misting oil over the rear cylinder. So a fine mist of greasy buildup around the breather is normal. If it bugs you, you can always get an improved aftermarket breather. Also make sure you don’t overfill the oil above the max level, as it will increase the likelihood (and amount) of oil misting.

Wheelies – Ok, wheelies and stoppies are bad for any bike. Tipping the sump backwards or forwards will shift the oil away from the sump pickup – when the pickup sucks air, you might as well be running without oil. On Ducati superbikes you have an added problem – the above-mentioned crankcase breather. Oil will shoot up the breather when you pop a wheelie, and has the potential to either spit oil into your airbox (best case scenario) or spray it over your rear wheel (very bad, especially when you are in the middle of a wheelie).

Airbox seal – Ducati superbikes use a unique airbox setup – the top half of the airbox is the bottom of the fuel tank, the bottom half is a stressed chassis member secured in the frame, with a rubber seal between the two. Air is fed into the system through ram-air ducts along the sides of the cockpit; instead of putting the filter into the airbox in the conventional spot, there are two filters, one in each air runner. This allows maximum airbox volume, the best airbox resonance, and good intake pressurization. Unfortunately, the airbox seal between the ‘box and the tank isn’t great, and dust can seep in. The best thing to do is coat the airbox and the runners with a layer of chain lube. Some companies sell foam filters that slip over the air intake trumpets – these will prevent dust from getting into the intakes, but it also takes up airbox volume, allows junk to get into the airbox itself, and destroys the crucial resonance effect - dyno tests prove a LOSS of 3-4 hp compared to stock filters. I’ve used them and I don’t recommend them. The fact stock filters cost a fraction of the cost of ineffective aftermarket items, and work best in most situations, is reason enough to leave them alone.

Bearings – Italians mechanics seem to have an aversion to grease so check the condition of the steering and wheel bearings, and be sure to load them with fresh grease whenever you can.

Drops – Ducatis are fragile machines, and a simple drop in the garage will mean thousands of dollars in damage. If dropped on the right side, the battery can crack and leak acid on expensive engine and frame parts, and the external dry clutch is easily damaged in lowsides. Fairings are expensive and easy to crack, as are the mirrors and mounting stems. All of this is not aided by a spindly aluminium sidestand that is prone to breaking and/or backing out its mounting bolts. This is assuming the dreaded “suisidestand” has been bypassed - the original stands were spring loaded to snap up as soon as the weight was taken off them, and rigged so that the ignition was cut when the stand was down. This means the bike would easily fall if bumped, and could not be idled to warm up without sitting on it. Get an aftermarket stand bolt and a bypass kit or face the consequences.

Oil – Ducati recommends 10w/40 viscosity oil in the desmoquattro motor. Most people agree 15w/50 or 20w/50 is a much safer bet, and synthetic is recommended. This is better for the bottom end bearings and for the rocker arms, which are prone to oil starvation due to the nature of the oiling system. When cold, the motor takes up to 90 seconds to circulate oil to the heads because of the lack of one-way valves in the oil lines, and a long circuit for the oil system. So let the motor idle for at least 90 seconds (or better yet, until the temp guage hits 140 degrees) before touching the throttle, otherwise you may exacerbate the rocker arm flaking issue.

What’s that noise?

If Ducatis are unique in nothing else, it’s in the noises they make. Some things can be disconcerting to newbies to the brand, so here’s a rundown of what to expect:

Dry Clutch – For those in the know, a Ducati dry clutch is a trick piece of race engineering for the road. To those who don’t know, it’s a bit scary. The clutch is located on the outside of the crankcase, and as the name suggests, it’s a dry multiplate unit – it’s the same as in any sportbike, except it doesn’t sit inside the engine bathed in oil. There are many benefits (and as many drawbacks) to this system, which I won’t bother describing here; needless to say, it’s a unique system, and has the distinction of making one hell of a racket. The noise is due to the clutch friction plate tabs rattling in the slots of the basket as the clutch spins around. I’ve heard it described as 1970s Buick big block with a broken conrod, or as the sound of a shot crank bearing. To me it sounds like terminal piston slap. Whatever it sounds like, it’s loud, it’s different, and it’s nothing to worry about. It will clatter and clack (tackatackatacka) when you leave it idling in neutral, and will jingle and boom (kerchinkakerchinkakerchinka) when you pull the clutch lever in. It will also clatter loudly if you lug the motor below 4000 rpm; driveline lash is a problem with the dry clutch, big power pulses, and a floating front sprocket. If you run an open cover you will also hear it when you shift or when under moderate load. If it really bugs you, you can always put a sound-deadened solid cover (available after 1998, you can tell by the rubber padding inside the cover) or buy an aftermarket fitted clutch pack that won’t rattle back and forth in the basket.

Intake – Another source of glorious racket, the intake roar of an early superbike is truly awesome. Pre-996 models (916-748s) had unrestricted intake runners that generate a phenomenal roar from around 4500 rpm up. This is the airbox resonance effect, sometimes called Hermholz resonance; it’s the sound of the air alternately pounding into and getting pushed out of the airbox by the ram-air and intake effects. It’s a good noise, it means the intake is working properly. 996 and later models had rubber venturi blocks inserted into the intake runners after the air filters to dampen the noise – if you want the full noise effect open the runners and pull the restrictors out. Alternately if you don’t like the noise buy some restrictors and put them in.

Cams – Here we are talking about a lack of noise rather than an abundance of it. Because Ducatis use automotive-style timing belts to drive the cams (look at a Ferrari V8 and compare it to a desmoquattro with the belt covers removed) there is almost no camtrain noise, especially compared to the whirring and whining of chain or gear driven cams on most bikes. You might notice a slight twittering noise on overrun if anything – those are the desmo valves at work.

What do I need to know about maintenance?

Four valve Ducs are high maintenance machines, but everything is pretty straightforward. Follow the service regimen and your bike will last a long time – but neglect it and you will have serious problems. Here are some primer points on the unique steps in Ducati maintenance.

Valves – desmo valves need frequent adjusting due to their valve retaining setup. They use easily deformed half-rings to hold the valves in place, and over time these rings will shift and even break, changing the clearances drastically. A solution is replacing them with oversized, hardened collets from MBP (Canada) or EMS (USA) and matching shims, or if you are cheap and do your own adjustments reuse the existing half rings that have already been mashed into submission (assuming they aren’t broken).

It’s easy to learn how to adjust desmo valves, so don’t get scared off by the BS of arrogant mechanics. There are plenty of articles available on the subject so I won’t bother repeating the process here. Suffice to say that the biggest problem is that you need a lot of shims – 16 in total for the desmoquattro, that’s 8 opening and 8 closing shims. So if you need to adjust a lot of the valves, it’s a pain to run back and forth to the dealer ordering different shim sizes. If you have the money, buy an aftermarket shim kit and save yourself some running around. If the valves are tight, you can get away with carefully grinding the existing shims down to the correct thickness; be sure to grind them evenly and accurately on some 400 grit wet/dry sandpaper.

The cost of neglecting the valves are serious – too tight clearances will stretch, mushroom and snap the valve stems and bash the valve seats, and too loose will cause noticeably poor running, especially at low rpm, and put more stress on the valve train. Improper clearances will also increase the likelihood of flaking rockers and cam damage. So don’t neglect them. Ever.

Due to the nature of the design (closing the valves mechanically), desmo valves are hard on the seats compared to most conventional valve setups. To maintain optimum sealing the valves should be lapped every adjustment, but this means taking off the heads – this is fine on early (pre 1999) bikes that use fibre type head gaskets that only cost about 25$ each, but a bit of a pain on later models that use 125-150$ a pop copper gaskets. So use your own judgement on that one.

Alternator – the alternator nut needs to be checked every 6000 miles on all desmoquattro motors, moreso on early single-phase bikes with the stator bolted to the crankshaft. While the 520 watt three phase system of 996s and later 748s is different, they are still prone to loosening their alternator bolts and causing serious damage. To check, you need to remove the left hand cover – early bikes used a now-unobtainable paper gasket to seal the left cover, later models just use Three Bond sealant. Most people just use the sealant rather than trying to track down gaskets, but on single-phase bikes you need to check the clearance of - and possible re-shim - the timing pickup on the LH cover if you are changing the way it is sealed.

Belts – Another area that should never be neglected, the belts are pricey direct from Ducati but cheaper from third-party distributors. CA-Cycleworks sells Bucci belts identical to the OEM items for half the cost. Replacing the belts is simple, but tension is critical, Always err on the loose side if you are doing it without the official tool (you should get it verified at a shop asap if you do so), otherwise the belt will snap very quickly. Again, never, ever neglect the belts, they are cheap insurance against an engine blow up.

Fuel system – as mentioned before, you need to keep an eye on the fuel lines and filter. If the filter gets clogged or the lines split, the fuel pump will work overtime and overload the electrical system, if the fuel flow doesn’t stop completely. So be prepared to replace the lines and filter ever 6000 miles or so, and make sure to avoid getting kinks in the lines. Something that can be considered is replacing the screw-type hose clamps with gentler snap-type clamps designed for high-pressure fuel injection lines – again, you can get these from Triumph for the 955i models. This will help prevent splits around the edges of the clamps. The o-rings on the disconnects are very easy to nick due to the design of the coupling (a very poor and fragile design that I curse often), and spares should always be kept handy because when they start leaking it’s a real pain in the ass.

Oil – obviously oil changes are important, but desmoquattros have an extra step in the process – check the strainer. The oil strainer is a gauze pickup that screws into the right hand side of the engine above the drain plug, and needs to be taken out every oil change to be cleaned and checked for metal flakes. Tiny amounts of metal or gasket material are signs of normal engine wear. Aluminum slivers, chrome flakes, or significant chunks of metal are bad news. The drain plug is magnetic and picks up swarf from the transmission, so it’s normal to find a few fingernail-clipping-like slivers of steel and steel fuzz. If you find a lot of steel material on the plug, either your shifting technique is atrocious or there might be something else going wrong…

Ducati says change the oil every 6000 miles. We say change it ever 2000-3000 (with new filter ever 6K), and always use synthetic.

What do I need to know about tuning?

Ducatis have a wide variety of tuning options available, with plenty of nifty parts to empty your wallet. Here are a few areas of note.

Exhaust – You can’t have an Italian v-twin without freeing the sound of Italian thunder. Aftermarket systems come in two forms – full systems (very rare and very pricey) and half systems (slip ons from the spaghetti pipes up, very common but still not cheap). Different models have different exhaust diameters, from 45mm up to a max of 57mm on race parts. Bigger diameter exhaust systems don’t necessarily help power, in fact a system that is too big for the motor tuning will just make it run horribly and sacrifice a significant amount of torque and midrange power. There is a sweet spot for each model, talk to a Ducati tuning expert about options. Even a half system will free a fair bit of horsepower – 5hp at the rear wheel is easily gained on a standard machine with a proper fuel map, more is possible by uncorking SP, SPS or R models.

EPROMs – These are one of the great features of Ducati superbikes. Weber-Marelli fuel injection systems (P7 [851/888], P8 [916 Strada], 1.6M [916 Biposto and Senna, 748, 996*]) store their fuel maps on a replaceable microchip called an EPROM. EPROMs range in price from 40$ for OEM items or copied aftermarket chips, right up to 250$ for calibrated, multi-trimmer aftermarket chips from specialists like Ultimap. Ditching the stock EPROM for even a basic unrestricted item (read: open exhaust pipe chip) will give a significant boost to the midrange and get rid of the 5000 rpm flat spot (put there for noise and emissions regulation testing). A new EPROM is a must if you replace the exhaust system, otherwise you will just hurt power delivery. Let your budget dictate what you want – a Ducati Performance open-pipe EPROM is cheap and will suffice for most street bikes, but if you want perfect fuelling you can always get a custom chip burned from dyno testing, or at least get a calibrated item from Ultimap.

* Single injector mod (996) – The 996 uses double fuel injectors, and they are known for being a pain in the ass. Stumbling, flat spots, and on-off hesitation is a problem with the 996 fuel system, but it can be fixed by disconnecting the two secondary injectors and installing a Senna open-pipe, single injector fuel map (Ducati Performance EPROM number 062) in the 1.6M ECU. Search the net for a step by step guide.

Intake – As I’ve already mentioned, the stock filters are your best bet for a compromise between air flow and engine protection. You will always get the best power from stock filters, as all EPROMs are tuned with stock filters in mind. If you are keen, BCM makes a modified in-the-runner filter setup, where oiled paper filters slide into brackets secured to the airbox openings. These filter better than the stock items, but they don’t solve the airbox seal problem, require airbox modification, and are expensive. In my professional opinion you should stick to stock filters, they are cheap and work well enough under most conditions.

Head work – One nice thing about 4V Ducatis is they feature hand-ported heads right from the factory. No japcrap port casting here, just smooth and perfectly ported intake and exhaust tracts. 996s are ported to RS superbike specification; earlier models are very good too. Combustion chambers are CNC machined, which gives a smooth combustion surface to improve fuel swirl and reduce hot spots that could lead to detonation. They are easy to polish to a mirror finish with some fine grit sandpaper and abrasive compound, something worth considering if you have the heads off for freshening up. So basically you don’t need to port the heads; if anything you might want to polish the exhaust tracts and combustion chambers, but leave the intakes alone, they are hard to improve upon.

Timing – Ducatis respond well to careful setup of the valve timing. This needs to be done by a pro with the right tools and the right ideas – different Ducati tuners recommend different timing specs. Sometimes just baselining the timing to factory recommended specs makes a significant difference; often the timing will be off a few degrees due to the loose tolerances of mass production.

Squish – Here again, mass production is working against you. Desmoquattros run at their optimum with about 1.00-1.05mm of squish, but most (except for a few hand built homologation specials like the 748R) are between 1.3 and 1.4 mm. On early bikes with a 1.2mm fibre head gasket, the easiest way to set squish is to remove the 0.3mm base gaskets and seal the barrels with Three Bond. If you don’t want to ditch the base gasket, you need to have the barrels shaved at a machine shop. On later models with a thinner head gasket and thicker base gasket, all you need to do is order some thinner base gaskets – on the 996, the base gaskets are 0.6mm thick, so you get 0.3mm items and you are set. Always make sure you check the squish properly, if you have less than 1.00 mm of clearance you will contact the head when the conrods stretch, causing catastrophic damage.

Cams – Lots of options are available for hot cams, 916/996 SPS items being the most popular. Standard 916-748-996s have identical cam profiles and are mostly interchangeable. VeeTwo makes billet high lift cams, and there are plenty of other aftermarket options. But always be aware of the drawbacks – you will lose low end and midrange power to gain top end, and higher lift mean more stress on the rockers and valve train. Plus your bike will need thorough tuning to optimize for the new cams. And they cost a heck of a lot on their own – cheapest I’ve seen is 1500$ for a set of stock SPS items.

Pistons – Once you’ve looked up the cost of a set of Ducati piston rings, you’ll understand why aftermarket forged high compression pistons are so popular – they cost little more than a set of OEM rings. There are drop in piston options for the stock bores, which is the simplest and cheapest way to up compression and power. If you want to overbore, 853 kits are available for the 748, 955 kits for the 916, and over 1000ccs is possible for a 996. But when you start messing with overbores, you are stressing the motor beyond its design and can seriously compromise reliability. Grenading motors are not an economical option for the street. It’s also advisable to rebalance the crank for different piston weights, and this means splitting the cases and generally going through a lot of trouble to do it properly – which a lot of people don’t. My advice is to avoid buying previously overbored bikes unless you reaaaaally trust the person who did it.

Flywheel – On 1.6M single-phase alternator bikes, the flywheel is a dead-weight item bolted onto the left hand side of the crankshaft – it isn’t used for timing purposes like most bikes (including the later three phase superbikes, as well as P8 computer’ed bikes). What this means is that you can completely remove the 2lb flywheel to drastically reduce rotating mass in the motor. This makes the motor rev hellishly fast – there is no more power than before, but throttle response will be really snappy and the bike will rev and reach the powerband a lot faster. Unfortunately this serious compromises the tractability and torque delivery of the motor, so unless you race or avoid slow riding entirely it’s not the best option.

Cranks – Crankshafts can be swapped between models to increase stroke for a gain in torque and power. Almost all Ducati cranks from 1992 on are similar in design, even the 2Vs are the same as the 4Vs. Obviously you need a piston with a higher deck height to compensate for the added stroke, otherwise you’ll end up with a ridiculously low compression ratio. Putting a 916/996 crank into a 748 will give you 803cc. Putting a 900SS/ST2 crank in will give you 827cc. A 900/ST2 crank in a 916 gives 944cc, in a 996 it gives 1026cc. This is just with stock Ducati cranks – aftermarket options are available too if your wallet can handle it.

Clutch – Oh where to begin. Needless to say, the dry clutch has limitless aftermarket options, from lightweight clutch baskets to anodized pressure plates and springs and all sorts of ventilated cover designs. Less weight is always good, to reduce the rotating mass of the engine/driveline, but alloy and aluminium components in the basket and clutch pack will reduce the longevity of the setup - the stock steel baskets and hubs can last indefinitely. Clutch packs will last anywhere from 3000 to 30 000 miles depending on how gentle you are on take off and how much stop and go riding you do. Some easy mods to do (that cost nothing) are removing two springs to reduce lever pull, removing the rubber gasket from the stock cover and spacing it with brass grommets (to let the noise out and air in to cool things), and routinely washing the clutch plates in mildly soapy water. Flip the friction plates over on a regular basis to even out the wear, it’s a simple way to eek out extra miles from the pricey clutch packs.

Suspension – the stock components on any superbike are above average to really good. As with any bike, you can always rebuild the shock with a spring for your weight or get new fork internals, but the stock stuff is pretty good for majority of riders. Usually what your bike got was determined by what was on the shelf when it was being assembled. For example, some base bikes got a trick Ohlin’s shock, others didn’t. In general, the components respond very well to careful setup, much more so than most Japanese hardware (cough Kayaba cough) which feels pretty much the same even after serious knob-twiddling. On everything except the base 748 models you get an adjustable steering head angle – this uses eccentric bearing races to adjust the steering head angle between 24.5 degrees (road) and 23.5 degrees (race). If you don’t know where yours is set, there is a quick check – see if you can lock the steering. In race mode, you can’t lock the steering head, in road mode you can. Also be certain the steering damper is correctly positioned – the rear mount is for road angle, the forward mount is for race angle. My former mechanic forgot to switch this after rebuilding my front end and I had a hell of a time trying to figure out why the bike kept pulling to the left slightly… There is also a rear shock linkage that can be adjusted to raise or lower the rear ride height. This should be left stock for most applications – that’s 261mms between the bearing centres. If you really want to sharpen up the steering, add 8-10mm of length to the rod, thought I don’t recommend it if you aren’t familiar with suspension setup.

There are plenty of other things you can do, just look through a Ducati Performance catalogue some time to see how many methods Ducati has devised for emptying your wallet.

So why do I want one if it is this much trouble?

Well, the million-dollar question is always why do we chose a finicky, high maintenance, fragile Italian machine over a more reliable, faster Japanese machine. The fact is, these bikes are unlike anything else on the road. They were legends in their own time, they were championship-winning racers, and they offer some of the most fantastic feedback and feel you will ever experience on a motorbike. The steel trellis chassis transmits road feel unlike anything else, and the suspension components are top quality items, even on the base models. Handling and road holding is fantastic, even 13 years after being introduced. The engine is smooth, and the power pulses of the big v-twin are easy to manage compared to the tyre-spinning thrust of a four cylinder. Ducatis are mostly hand-built, even today, and a lot of attention goes into the details. Despite their flaws, the motors are very solid and can handle a lot of power when maintained properly. And having one of the most beautiful bikes of all time doesn’t sound bad does it? To be frank, we bought our bikes with our hearts, not with our heads. If you really want one, it doesn’t matter what the flaws are. They are brilliant machines and us owners are a nutty, die-hard lot.